Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

"An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife."

 

I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one jumper. I didnt even know they could knit.

 

My firework display on Friday was so ****ing good ISIS have just claimed responsibility for it!

 

Lads purely for information.

I have decided to stop drinking real ale by 13th May, 2067. I shall drink as normal for now before stopping on that date, when I turn 112. It will not affect my drinking plans in the short term.
It’s important not to rush the switch to non-alcoholic beverages, so it needs a steady, phased approach where nothing changes for at least 30 years after setting this process in motion.
To assist with the transition I’m going to do a 3rd pub crawl every week with immediate effect. Then 30 years from now I’ll drop this to 2 per week followed by a drop to only 1 per week 10 years after that. That will set the stage for a final, gradual drop to no real ale at all.
Taking a responsible approach to this is absolutely the correct thing to do.

 

The Squee Gees.

 

And 'an investment' is something your wife wants but would never ever sell.

 

A little boy, Johnny, blows up his balloon and starts
flicking it all around the house with his
finger. His mother tells him to stop it as
he's liable to break something. The boy
continues.

"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off.
You're going to break something".

He stops and eventually Mom leaves for
a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the
toilet where he leaves it. Mom comes in
and while putting away the grocery gets
the urge. A diarrhoea run. She can hardly
make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH,
out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and
can't believe what she's seeing. She's not
sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet !
She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the
situation, but he assures her he'll be over
shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath
room and he gets down on his knees and
takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of
touches it to see what it might be and POP!
The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.

"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.
He says, "I've been in this business for over
30 years, and this is the first time I've ever
actually seen a fart !

 

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin .
In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.

Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him. 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on
the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there
and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found
the mirror

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch
he's runnin' around with.'

 

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies:
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,

' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'