Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I went to A & E yesterday and said to the nurse "I've been stung by a wasp. Have you got anything for it?"
She said "whereabouts is it?"
I said "I don't know. It'll be f*cking miles away by now"

 

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THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SUNDERLAND GIRL

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.

It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.

The first day he didn't see any results but the second day he saw it was better.

By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Sunderland.

He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn cut, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table every day.

The first day he didn't see anything

The second day he didn't see anything either.

The third day, some of the swelling had gone down enough that he could see a little out of his left eye, his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich & load the dishwasher.

He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

 

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.
Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter
is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the
good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums
when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in
stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?

 

To clear the NHS backlog, the Government are relaxing the rules to become a qualified surgeon.
If you have ever played Operation,
please download an application form.

 

Heard it but still funny.

 

It’s like the one where a young lad asks his dad what’s the capital of France and he replies, no idea son. So the lad asks is the Eiffel Tower in France, and the dad says no idea son, and the lad asks is it not the tallest building in Paris dad, and the dad says no idea son. The lad turns to his dad and asks him if he minds him asking loads of homework questions and his dad says of course not son you don’t learn anything if you don’t ask.

 

A man with a winking problem applies for a position as a traveling salesman and goes in for an interview.
"Looking at your resume, I can see that you're more than qualified", says the interviewer. "Unfortunately, we can't have our sales reps constantly winking at customers, so we can't hire you", adds the interviewer.
"But wait", says the man. "If I take two aspirin, I stop winking".
"Then show me", replies the interviewer.
So the guy reaches into his pants pocket and pulls out a pile of condoms in all different shapes, sizes, and colors before finally finding a packet of aspirin. He pops the pills and immediately stops winking.
"It's great. You stopped winking", says the interviewer, "but we can't have our salesmen womanizing all over the country".
"What do you mean?", asks the man. "I'm happily married".
"How do you explain all the condoms?" asks the interviewer.
"Oh, that", sighs the man. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"...

 

A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
"Show me your tits & then ask me the question again," I replied.
So she lifted up her top & bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you please?"
"Sorry love. I don't smoke!"

 

she ....so your not called Singen then

 

UK police trying to recruit a few HGV drivers!

 

A cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," said the bartender.