Two guys playing golf. A hearse is passing bye. One of the men stops in mid swing, removes his hat and bows his head. His partner says that's the most compassionate gesture I've seen. Well said the other we were married for 35 years
At the end of their first date, a young man walks his girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" "Pleeeeease?..." Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
A doctor's toilet was blocked so he rang the plumber. The plumber said: "It's early hours of the morning can't it wait?" The doc said: "If you were ill I'd have to come out". The plumber said: "Fair enough" and called at the doc's house. He lifted the toilet seat and threw in two paracetamol and said "Give it a few days and if it's still the same give me a call".
Been trying to get through to the tinnitus helpline but it just keeps ringing … and ringing … and ringing … and ringing
A family of potatoes - a mother and her three daughters - are sitting at the dinner table one night. The eldest daughter says "Mother, I've got big news." "What is it?" her mother says. "Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married." "Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "Who you gonna marry?" "I'm gonna marry Irish Red." "Oh a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother. Then the middle daughter speaks up: "I've got big news too, mother!" "What is it?" her mother says. "Oh, mother, I'm gonna get married too you know." "Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "and who are you gonna marry?" "I'm gonna marry Idaho Gold." "Oh Idaho Gold, a fine tater, a very fine tater indeed" says her mother. Then the youngest daughter, who is no more than a child, speaks up. "Oh, mother, I've got big news too you know." "Oh do you now?" her mother says. "Oh, yes mother, I'm gonna get married too." "Oh are you now?" her mother replies. "and who are you gonna marry?" "I'm gonna marry Guy Mowbray." "Guy Mowbray ! but sweetie . . . . he's just a common tater."
We were so poor growing up For Christmas I'd have a pack of batteries with a label on it that said 'Toys not Included'