A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices. ‘ My good man,’the fairy said, ‘ I’ve been told by Boris to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britain with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.' The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Afghanistan where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'. The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and… PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage on the coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Afghanistan; I want to bring them all over here. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music 'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl and I want to have white skin like the British.' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. ‘What happened to my new teeth? ‘he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?' The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are British, you're entitled to sweet **** all like the rest of us. And she disappeared.
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
True story that I thought was funny. My mate had his neighbours round to watch the England match on his big screen in the garage. The kids, around 9/10 year olds were in the corner muttering and giggling away at half time. They wouldn't say why they were laughing but the adults eventually realised that it was whenever Roy Keane was on. Every time that he said something like "You can't be messing around in the final turd," they'd fall on the floor laughing
