My wife was in labour when the nurse said it was time to push. She gave it everything she had until a fart that, from both sound and stench, had obviously followed through. She was horrified. "Don't worry," I said, patting her head. "I've heard this kind of thing is perfectly natural during birth, isn't that right, nurse?" "Yes," said the nurse, gagging, "but it's usually the mother, not the father."
I once bought a dog from a locksmiths . . . . as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door ! The old ones are usually the best !
Just before they lifted off, the pilot of the balloon boasted...."I am the greatest balloon pilot in the country, probably the world, so I can assure you that you couldn't be in safer hands." His passengers in the basket were mightily impressed, some even breaking into applause. "Yes"....he continued...."I can fly in the thickest of fogs, and the lowest and densest cloud, and still manage to judge an accurate height of just 6 feet above the ground." There's always one sceptic, and one of his passengers challenged him, saying...."Look down there, then! Cloud as thick as soup and the densest of ground mist or fog! Get us down there if you are that good" The pilot skillfully adjusted his burner, and started moving his weighted sand bags from one side of the basket to the other. The balloon gently descended, much to the amazement of the passengers on board. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are now hovering a mere 6' off the ground!"....A round of applause greeted the rather grand announcement...."In fact"....continued the pilot,"I can confirm that a local resident has even come out to greet us, and is extending his hand upwards in friendship" The pilot leaned out of the basket and shook the resident by the hand, before announcing that the balloon was about to rise. A few seconds later, the sceptic spoke up in admiration...."Astounding skill, pilot! truly amazing. To put us down safely, through all of the cloud and fog. Unbelievable skill indeed!" "Not only that, sir"....responded the pilot...."I can tell you exactly where we are....Liverpool" The passengers were stunned. "How on earth can you know that, through all of the heavy cloud and all that fog, and only a handshake from a local" "Easy"....said the pilot...."The thieving bastard just nicked my watch."
