My new sweater was picking up static electricity, so I went to the store to change it. They gave me another one, free of charge.
I'm not saying my wife's a nasty bitch or anything, but imagine being married to a female Dalek.... ....on her period.
A mate of mine is a dyslexic Goth who drove me round to see his new apartment ... ... we got there and he turned into a flock of bats. When we got in an embarrassed looking bird had come through an open window and crapped all over the place ... ... he said it was a blushing crow.
A mother in-law said to her sons wife when the baby was born "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn’t look anything like my son" The daughter inlaw lifted her skirt and said... "I don't mean to be rude either but this is a fanny not a ****ing photo copier !!"
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Francois," asks one, "ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Francois. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform two metres off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!" "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp Two metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform five metres off ze ground, and 'e said "Jurmp." "And did you jurmp?" "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp five metres. Eet is beneath my dignity." "What 'appened zen?" "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform thirty metres above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your burme!'" "Sacre Bleu, mon ami. And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning.".
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycleshave changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.' St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...' God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something \that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?' Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.' 'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention ! 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!! 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.' God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.. BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND. HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE." BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET." MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?" BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
