Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I and most of them are put up by those useless barstewards in the National Trust.. ****ers

 

Pleased I'm not dyslexic.

 

The council want to build a monument in the town square so they put the job out to tender.
Three tenders are received and the town clerk calls the three builders in for interview.
The first builder gives his tender of £3,000 and tells the clerk how it breaks down: "That's £1,000 for me, £1,000 for materials and £1,000 for my workmen."
"Very good," says the town clerk and calls in the next builder who gives a tender of £6,000.
"That's £2,000 for me," says the second builder, " £2,000 for materials and £2,000 for my workmen,"
"Very good," says the town clerk and calls in the third builder who gives a tender of £9,000.
"That sounds a bit expensive," says the town clerk. "How does that break down."
"Well," says the third builder, "It's £3,000 for me, £3,000 for you and then we give the job to the first builder."

 

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.

It was the least that I could do for him!

 

Got me to a T(ee)

 

I've just joined a dating site for arsonists...
Still waiting for a match

 

I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is about to happen... I can feel it...

 

I've discovered that the cheapest place to get kids shoes is at the front of a bouncy castle!

 

Mount Touchmore.

 

I got caught jumping back over the neighbours fence after shagging his chickens ...

.. that ruffled a few feathers.

 

I've just been asked to go clubbing in Denmark ...

... why not, those mink won't commit suicide

 

Mrs Smug asked me if I'd been shagging the farmers bull up the arse.

I told her all the brown marks were from where I'd been polishing my shoes in the nude.

'That's bullshit', she said

 

Nicking this one mate..

 

The only thing as bad as Trump in the White House is a trump in a crowded lift.