Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Nothing compares to Boris

 

I turned my phone to the left

 

Obviously most gays no it’s a trick

 

My wife packed my bags today after finding out that I had a one night stand with another woman.
"I want you to go!" she screamed.
I said, "Please, can we at least talk about it first?"
"Go on, I'm listening." she replied.
I then sat down, took a deep breath and said, "It was the most amazing experience of my entire life."

 

An Irishman named Paddy got a call from his doctor. “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Paddy, shocked and saddened by the news, managed to compose himself. He saw his son who had been waiting. Paddy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Paddy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Paddy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Paddy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Paddy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Paddy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

 

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I've been sponsoring a snow leopard for the last 3 years. I found out yesterday that the bastard melted 18 months ago.

 

Vote counting in America is a more dangerous job than being Oscar Pistorius' housekeeper.

 

Sorry.

 

True story.. In my early years working at the uni when I worked in security control, there was one of the porters covering a caretakers job in the art school. I phoned his number and pretended to be the head of school and told him that we needed the ice stores opened urgently as we had an ice sculpture valued at £20,000 arriving imminently (there was no such thing as the ice stores but I knew he wouldn't know that). I gave him five minutes then radioed him to contact the control room. He phoned and I said that the head of school was still waiting for the ice store to be opened and the sculpture was due to arrive. The poor lad was frantic and said he had searched everywhere for the keys but couldn't find them. I said the head of school would ring him in one minute. I then phoned him a minute later demanding for them to be opened. He was saying sorry sir but I don't know where the keys or the room is located.. I tried to be serious, but started to laugh.. I then told him the truth.. He called me all the bastards under the sun for some reason..

 

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I went to rent a chainsaw and there was a sticker on it saying, "Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand."

I think all this PC stuff goes against natural selection ...

... the more idiots that die the better we'll be.

 

Gospel truth I was walking over the fell that lead’s down to Tarn Howes and I spotted a sign in the middle of the field (probably 2 or 3 hundred acres) I went over to have a look and there was a metal sign in the ground saying this grass is slippery when wet. So the first people on my list of compulsory euthanasia would be the council worker who thought of that one
Ps it’s still there.

 

There are signs all over the Lake District that do my bloody head in.

 

Well, wear a crash helmet or just don't walk into them!

 

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