Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet! A 79-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 79-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the bloody jar open.'
According to Transfermarket the transfer fee for Will Grigg was $3.74m. From todays Echo, "Wigan are apparently being sold for between £3million and £4million, including the stadium."
If John Lennon hadn't have joined The Beatles he was going to be a door to door salesman. Imagine all the peepholes..
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an asylum seeker claimant outside the Social Security Offices. ‘ My good man,’the fairy said, ‘ I’ve been told by Theresa May to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Britain with your wife and seven children – all costs to be borne by the British Tax Payers.' The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Iraq where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'. The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and… PING !!! The Asylum Seeker had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth! 'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more wishes to go'. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage on the coast with eight bedrooms – and a Gold Visa Card in each room - for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in Iraq; I want to bring them all over here. PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music 'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand. The Asylum Seeker refugee claimant really decided to go for broke now and said “I want to be British with British clothes instead of the rags and shawl and I want to have white skin like the British.' PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn-out trainers, a dirty Man Utd T-shirt and a greasy baseball hat. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon. ‘What happened to my new teeth? ‘he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?' The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are British, you're entitled to sweet **** all like the rest of us.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Man to Librarian "Do you have the new book about small penises? " Librarian "It's Not In Yet". Man ." Yes ! That's the one ".
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.” “Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
I'm delighted to announce that my wife is carrying our first child. He's 28yrs old but he has a sore ankle!!.
