I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home from work but she just grunted at me. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
My wife asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two.
I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Ok, what have you done now?" "I slept with your sister," I replied. "What? And you think a bunch of flowers are going to make me forgive you?" she screamed. "What the f*ck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."
The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital. "How is she?" I asked. "Very critical," replied the officer. "What's she f*cking complaining about now?" I said.
What's the difference between a washing machine and a mag lass ? A washing machine doesn't follow you around for weeks after you've dumped your load in it.
If the Starship Enterprise boldly goes where no one has gone before ....How come they always meet somebody .
I went to the doctors and said I think my wife is going deaf but how can I find out without upsetting her the doctor says when you come home and you get to the back door ask her what’s for tea if she doesn’t answer take a step forward and ask again keep doing this until she replies to your question and then you will know anyway after taking 5 steps forward she turns round and says fish and chips that’s the fifth time I’ve told you you deaf old twat.
I lad sat next to me on the bus and he says do you know between us we have 5 balls I said why have you only got 1.
The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her. "8 or 9 at least." I said. "Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered." Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints.
Watched a programme about thalidomide porn stars last night. The main bloke had an arm like a baby’s cock.
