A Newcastle fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Mags shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks Jesus in a Sunderland shirt. "Hello son" says Jesus, "I'm sorry, no scum in heaven." "What ?" exclaims the man, astonished. "You heard, no newcastle fans." "But, but, but, I've been a good man", he replies. "Oh really", says Jesus. "What have you done, then ?" "Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa". "Oh" says Jesus. "anything else?" "Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless." "Hmmm. Anything else?" "Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Dogs home." "Okay", said Jesus, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before Jesus returns. He looks the guy in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your £30 back, now **** off!!.... SAFC HAWAY THE LADS FTM KTF
I once had a business on the harbour, offering a towing service to the big boats coming up the river ... ... the captains would often come in asking me for a tug
I was told that before w*nking, if you sit on your hand long enough, it goes numb and it feels like someone else's, but, nope it still felt like my uncle's dick.
A bloke was walking along the quay in thick fog tapping his way along with his umbrella. All of a sudden there was nothing there and he tapped right round him and could feel nothing so he stood all night in the same spot until the fog lifted and when he looked down his brolley head had fell off.
I went to the doctors and asked what was the best exercise to lose weight. The doctor said, "Just shake your head." I asked him, "How often?" He said, "Whenever someone offers you some food you fat c*nt!"
A lass said to the doctor I need to lose some weight and the doctor says don’t eat anything fatty and she says like burgers or kentucky fried chicken he says no just don’t eat anything fatty
Apologies for this one in advance. If you're here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
Teacher says to Johnny if I give you 2 rabbits +2 rabbits + 2 rabbits how many would you have and Johnny says 7 the teacher says how the dickens do you get that answer it should be 6 and Johnny says I know but I’ve got 1 at home
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's been telling lies." I replied, "Well, tell him he's bloody good - I ain't got any kids!"
My mate just rang me and said, "What are you doing at the moment?" I said, "Probably failing my driving test!"
A friend of mine, a teacher, (actually that's irrelevant) said to her son if I give you my 3 apples and dad gives you his 3 apples , how many would you have. He said ''all of them'' . The arithmetic lesson was suspended for the day
My mate went to the pet shop and asked for a really unusual pet and he came out with a 7 foot silver back gorilla as he was leaving he asked the shop keeper where does it sleep and he says anywhere it bloody wants
When Paris Hilton attempted an overdose they tried to find what she'd taken. There were none left .... ... I suspect Pariseatemall
I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.
I was worried that the mechanic would rip me off because I was a blonde woman. Imagine my relief when I found out that I only needed indicator fluid.