I went to the doctors today and he advised me to lose a load of weight. So I took the wife shopping and ran away when she wasn't looking.
After dinner my wife told me she was expecting a baby. I said you better go and open the door cos it will never reach the bell.
I was in Leeds and saw a sticker on a parked car which read "I miss Liverpool" . . . . so I smashed the window, stole the radio and the hubcaps, and left a note saying "I hope that this helps"