Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily. "What's up Dave" asked the landlord, "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth" "It's my four year old son" the man replied. "Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically. "I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant." "Get away," gasped the landlord, "that's impossible!" "It's not!" said the man, "The little sod stuck a pin in all my condoms."
Walked into a pub in Newcastle and all the locals went quite and gave me funny looks. So I ordered a pint and the barman said "your not from round here" "No" I replied "im a taxidermist from Sunderland" "Whats a taxidermist???"he asked "I mount animals" "Its ok lads he's one of us" said the barman !!!!
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffer dog'. ‘His name is Sniffer and he's the best that there is.' I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.' The plane took off, and once it had settled, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.' He told Sniffer to ‘search' Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. He then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm. The Policeman said, ‘Good boy' and he turned to the man and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. ‘Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man. Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to it's seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for when we land.' ‘I like it' said the other man. The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search' again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poo on the seat. The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't understand how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman ‘What's going on ?' The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He's just found a bomb.'
Dave bragged to his boss one day: “I’ll tell you, I know everybody who needs to be known. You name one, any one, I know him.” His boss got tired of his bragging and decided to call his bluff. “Okay, Dave, how about Elon Musk?” “Oh, Elon and I go way back and I can prove it.” So Dave and his boss fly to Florida and knock on Elon Musk’s door and Elon yells, “Dave! What’s up? Good to see you! Come on in and grab a beer!” Dave’s boss is impressed, but still skeptical. After leaving Musk’s house, he tells Dave that he thinks it was just a chance to meet Elon. Dave says, “No, no, name someone else.” “Bill Gates,” his boss immediately replies. “Yes,” says Dave, “Bill and I are old friends. Let’s fly to California,” and off they go. At the Microsoft offices, Bill Gates sees Dave and calls him and his boss over and says, “Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but come on in with your friend, let’s have a beer and catch up. The boss is now very shaken, but still not completely convinced. After leaving the Microsoft offices, he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again asks him to name someone else. “Pope Francis,” his boss replies. “Of course!” says Dave. “I’ve known the Pope for years.” So they fly to Rome. As Dave and his boss mingle with the crowd in St. Peter’s Square at the Vatican, Dave says, “This is never going to work. I can’t get the pope’s attention with all these people. I’ll tell you what, I know all the guards, so I’m going to go upstairs and get on the balcony with the Pope. He disappears into the crowd towards the Vatican. Half an hour later, Dave appears on the balcony with the Pope, but when Dave returns, he sees that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Dave goes up to his boss and asks him, “What happened? His boss looks up and says, “It was the last straw. You and the Pope went out on the balcony and the guy next to me said, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Dave?
