Struggling on my own with my idea for a business recycling discarded chewing gum. Can anyone help me to get it off the ground ?
I had a quiet New Year's Eve. Nothing to drink, TV switched off by 8.00pm, then bed with a long sex session to end the night. I f**king hate prison.
A mangy looking guy walks into a very classy restaurant and orders a steak. The waitress says: "I'm sorry, but I don't think you can pay for your meal." The guy admits, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me my supper?" The waitress, both curious and compassionate, says, "Only if what you show me isn't risque." "Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the ground and it runs across the room, directly to a piano. The hamster then proceeds to climb up the piano, and starts playing classic songs from the musicals. The waitress says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy sits back and enjoys a fine steak supper with all the trimmings. Shortly thereafter, he asks the waitress, "Can I have a piece of that fine blueberry pie I see on the dessert cart over there?" "Only if you got another miracle up your sleeve", says the waitress. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the table, and the frog starts to sing up a storm! A stranger from a nearby table runs over to the guy and offers him £500 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the five hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the restaurant with pound signs in his eyes and a big smile on his face. The waitress says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for £500? It must have been worth millions!" "No", says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist."
My New Year’s resolution is to be less presumptuous and rude to others. I bet yours is to lose weight, isn’t it?
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please." ...London Lawyer says, "What for?" Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come te a complete stop at the stop sign." London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come te a complete stop. Licence and registration, please" London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come te a complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!" London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir." The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living sh*t out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me te stop, or just slow doon?"
I was hoovering my flat today and did what every single man on this planet has done at least once when hoovering. I looked at the hoover, and then looked at my penis, then I looked at my hoover and then my penis, and thought to myself, hang on a f*cking second, I've got a penis, why the f*ck am i doing the hoovering!
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
