Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Give your children a Christmas they'll never forget.
Get them f*ck all.

 

I'm not falling for that one.
I might have the first time, maybe the second...but I'm not falling for it again.

 

Husband and wife decide to make a password for sex, so they pick ‘washing machine.’
Later in bed that night husband says, “Washing machine.”
Wife replies, “Not tonight darling . . . . I have a headache.”
Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, “Washing machine.”
Husband replies, “Too late . . . . it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand.”

 

I love the look on peoples faces who are standing there in the pouring rain as you drive past.
One of the reasons I became a bus driver

 

Oldie but goodie.
An old Bobby Knoxall classic.
I saw a dozen people running down the road earlier
I shouted 'Oi, what's going on?'
A bloke shouts 'a lions escaped from the zoo'
'Bloody hell, which way did it go?'
'You don't think we're f*cking chasing it do you?'

 

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My dyslexic grandad was a baker during WW2 . . . . he used to go in all buns glazing.

 

I got a b*llocking off HR a few years ago for saying that to a lass at work. Unless it was cos I said her buttocks had separate post codes

 

Police were called to our local conference centre today.

Three different groups were having seminars, ex-convicts having rehabilitation, childminders on a training course and the annual conference of the Spoonerism Society which had a whip round for a member who'd had a serious accident.

On returning from their lunch break they discovered all the money had been stolen ...

... the police were asked to search every crook and nanny

 

I was on my way home from a Xmas party and got pulled over by the police, the copper said..”you been drinking?”

“Yes officer!” How much have you consumed?” I said..”ten or eleven pints of lager, seven or eight shorts and several glasses of wine!”

He looked at me sternly and said…“that’s a lot of alcohol you’ve consumed tonight but it’s still not a valid reason for letting your wife drive!”