Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

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Tyneside Hurricane Appeal
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Tyneside in the early hours of Monday with its epicentre in Newcastle Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Benidorm and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Metro Radio reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Tyneside. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Brown Ale to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) with hoods
Shell suits (female)
White stilettos
White sport socks
Rockport boots
Pyjamas for all day use
Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:
Greggs Sausage Rolls
Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
KFC
Ice cream
Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, Kebab and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine
£5 buys ***s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...
"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,
"Dunston said the girl, wot's that gotta de with ya?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Tyneside - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

 

Can’t wait to try these

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Don't you just love getting home from a 12 hour shift to a wife, whos been at home all day and the smell of a freshly cooked meal.
I must ask the next door neighbour to leave her window open more often.

 

My wife is so ugly she spent five hours in the beauty salon...
Just getting a quote!

 

Every time I take up a new sport or exercise, I meet new people . . . . usually they're paramedics, but still new people

 

Did you know The most common owl in England is the Teat Owl, there’s one in almost every kitchen.