My missus is going to a fancy dress party tonight, she went out yesterday and hired a costume. She said to me this morning "Wait there, I'll try it on and tell me what you think"? She came in,I looked at her and said "Wow, that's a fabulous costume, you will easily win a prize with that, it's the most realistic killer whale costume I've ever seen" She replied "I'm going as a f*cking nun, you b*stard"
I persuaded my wife to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action. He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon. He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the f*ck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do." The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right." The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!" The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
This week our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross. Happy anniversary Andy Carroll.