I applied for a job as a suicide bomber and really lost my temper when they turned me down ... ... they said that I had too short a fuse
Councils say they're losing £30 million a year in unpaid parking fines. If they halve the cost of a fine, they'll only lose £15 million.
My mrs stormed into the pub and threw a plate of beans on toast in front of me. 'There's your f*cking dinner' she screamed, 'You spend so much time in here you may as well eat in here as well' and then stormed out. I've never been so embarrassed, I'd told the boys it was lasagne night.
I always board planes last just to see the disappointment on the face of the person who thought they had a spare seat next to them.
A friend of mine went to Canada to escape his alcoholism, but it all went wrong as he got off the plane in Montreal when he saw a great big sign that said "Drink Canada Dry"
