Michael Owen Quotes: •"He looks like a Footballer." •"Yeah he's elbowed him in the head, but there's nothing in it for me." •"It's hit the facial part of his head there." •"That's a fantastic penalty, but he'll be gutted it went wide." •"Die Hard isn't a Christmas film." •"You're on your own out there, with 10 mates." •"If there's a bit of rain about, it makes the surface wet." •"They need to kick it at the net more often." •"When they don't score, they hardly ever win." •"Anichebe is pulling off Jones, which is what I would do if I was him." •“Footballers these days often have to use their feet.” •“It’s a good run, but it’s a poor run, if you know what I mean?” •“Whichever team scores more goals usually wins.” •“Do they deserve to win? No, Liverpool do. Which is why a draw is a fair result.” •“Pellegrini will speak to them and City will come out with a fresh set of impetus.” •“To stay in the game, you have to stay in the game.” •“When the ball is that still, it’s wobbling in the air.” •“That shot is impossible. I saw Yaya Toure do it once.” •“I love these players with two feet.” •“What a feeling it is to be a manager and bring someone on.” •“Blackburn have got two strikers on and they’re both playing up front.” •“You have to believe your own eyes, don’t you?” •“You need people who score goals. That’s how you win games.” •“If you cut me in half, I’m a footballer.” •“Everton have a healthy list of injuries.” •“It’s definitely hit Defoe’s hand as it’s gone in, but it’s not a handball for me.” •“That would’ve been a goal had it gone inside the post.”
I Can Remember Growing Up In Sunderland. My Dad Gave Me Money To Go To The Town To Pay The Electric Bill. But Instead I Bought Raffle Tickets Off A Bloke Outside Jackie Whites Market For A Chance To Win A Van. I Told My Dad When I Got Home And He Proper Lashed Me All Over The House . The Next Morning I Couldn't Believe It A Van Turned Up In The Driveway. We All Held Each Other And Cried, Especially Me I Was Sobbing Because It Was The Van From The Electric Company To Turn The Electric Off........I Got Proper Lashed All Over Again !!!
That moment when you slide the condom on and look at yourself in the mirror with a raging hardon... Then you tell the chemist "I’ll take it!"
The doctor put my wife on a new pill and now we have sex every night. It's brilliant... It doesn't matter which position we are in, nothing wakes her up!
Another owldy A lad stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can have a haircut ? The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said 'About 2 hours.' and the lad left. A few days later, the same lad stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can have a haircut ?' The barber looked around at the shop and said 'About 3 hours.' and the lad left. A week later, the same lad stuck his head in the shop again and asked 'How long before I can have a haircut ?' The barber looked around the shop and said 'About an hour and a half.' and the lad left again. The barber turned to his friend and said 'Hey, Bob, he keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back. Do me a favour and follow him and see where he goes.' A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically, and the barber asked 'Where does he go when he leaves here, then ?' Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said 'Your house'
