I was telling my mate about how uncomfortable the buses are and he said “Did you come on the bus, then ?” I said “Well I did, but I made it look like an asthma attack.”
I said to the lad in Tesco ‘is it true you carry customers shopping to their car free of charge?’ He said ‘we do’. As we got to my car I said ‘I only asked you to do it because I’m lazy’. He said ‘I realise that. Here’s your f*cking Twix!!..
A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy. While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?” “I should think so,” the barman replies. The man raises his hand. “How about this big?” “Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .” The man holds his hand at shoulder level: “This big?” “Not a cat in hell’s chance.” The man knocks back his drink in one. “Bollocks. I just ran over a nun.”
