I was sitting in McDonald's with my coffee this morning and asked the young lady opposite me if she had any spare milk. She snarled back, "Do you f*cking mind, I'm trying to feed my baby!"
I saw a sign in a shop window that said "Watch Batteries fitted £2.50." I thought why would anyone pay to see that.
I made a pint of home made whisky and was going to drink the whole lot while watching the match last night ... ... but, in the end, I bottled it
Paddy goes into a John Lewis department store and asks the assistant, "Excuse me sir, but do you sell potato clocks ?" The assistant looks at him and says "We sell cuckoo clocks, carriage clocks, grandfather clocks, alarm clocks, but I've never heard of a potato clock." Paddy says, "I don't know, but I start my new job at nine o'clock tomorrow, and the wife said 'You'd better get a potato clock.'
I used to see a Norwegian lass and I couldn't understand why she would never drink if I took her to the seaside . . . . until someone reminded me that you can lead a Norse to water, but you can't make her drink it.
