A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140, then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him. The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go." The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!! The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir”
My wife looked through my internet history and saw that I booked a holiday to Majorca. Now I'll have to invite her.
I was having a cuppa with the wife this morning and she saved me from choking to death on a custard cream. She'd f*cking eaten them all.
The Mrs wants to start trying for a baby. She said “Is your sperm active?” “Well it regularly leaps over magazines and computer screens.”
I nudged my wife in bed last night, and whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?" "Oh, what a pity," she yawned, turning away. "Right in the middle of National Headache Week!"
Thought I heard my neighbour shagging last night, there was moaning and groaning for ages. It turns out her elderly mother had taken a tumble and was banging her stick on the wall trying to get my attention. I feel a bit guilty about the w*nk now!!
This time last week I looked at the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, fires, a bus in pieces, people running scared and police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to our lass and said 'Chin up pet, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'
