Met a girl in the pub last night who said she'd show me a good time... Got outside, she ran 100m in 9.72 seconds....
As I lay there gazing at the heavens and contemplating the infinite mysteries of the cosmos, I couldn't help but wonder... Where the f*ck had my tent gone!
I just finished reading 'The entire History of Lubricant' . . . . it's the best non friction book that I've ever read !
As kids we used to throw scrabble tiles at each other, until Mam shouted "Stop it before someone loses an i"
Just been watching the Amputee's in the Olympics... Did you know Jamaica have gone 23 games without defeet?
It's only my first week in this prison and I've already been bummed three times in the shower.... I'm starting to think I'm not cut out to be a prison guard!
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so from now on I am going to concentrate on getting taller !
A Mam decided that it was time for her to teach her little daughter how to cook sausages, so she explains slowly and patiently . . . . "You cut off the ends of the sausages, put a non-stick pan over a medium heat, then add the sausages. Keep cooking, moving them around in the pan and turning them over regularly so that they all cook evenly." The little girl listens, pays attention, and watches closely as her mam shows her how it's done, but this little girl is clever and she asks questions: "Why do you cut off the ends of the sausages, Mammy ?" Mam is slightly thrown off guard 'cos she doesn't know, and just tries to avoid the subject, saying "That's just how it's done, pet." Weeks go by and one day the time came to cook sausages again and the ritual repeats itself. Mammy explains, the little girl watches and learns, and after some careful consideration she says "You still didn't tell my why you cut off the ends of the sausages, Mammy." At this point the mother can't brush off the little girl anymore and tells her that she just doesn't know, but she will ask the little girl's grandmother. They drive up to the grandmother's house, talk to her, and at some point the little girl just has to ask . . . . "Grandma, why do you cut off the ends of the sausages ?" Just like the mother, the grandmother simply does not know, and she tries to tell the little girl that she should just do as she is told, but this little girl is persistent. One thing leads to another and finally they all agree that they should ask the little girl's great grandmother, who is still alive. They drive up to the retirement home and Mam tells her that her great grandmother is old, getting deaf, and she shouts. Once again they try to make conversation, which is not easy because the great grandmother is hard of hearing, but, you guessed it, the moment finally comes, and the little girl asks: "Great grandmother, I just have to ask . . . . why do you cut off the ends of the sausages ?" "WHAT ? SPEAK UP, GIRL, I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SAY THAT AGAIN", the great grandmother replies. The child raises her voice, and asks again: "WHY DO WE CUT OFF THE ENDS OF THE SAUSAGES ?" Her great grandmother shouts "WTF . . . . ARE YOU GIRLS STILL USING THAT SMALL FRYING PAN ?"
