My neighbor was out working in his yard, when he was startled by a late model car, that came crashing through his hedge and ended up on his front lawn. He rushed to help the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair. “My goodness” he exclaimed: “You appear quite elderly, to be driving!!” “Well, yes I am!!” she replied proudly. “I’ll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don’t even need a license anymore!!… The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took his scissors out of his drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the waste basket. “You won’t be needing this anymore!!” he said. “So I thanked him and left!!..”
I said to the girl at the Tesco checkout: "Can you do this any cheaper, it's got today's date on it?" She said: "Look mister, do you want the f*cking newspaper or not?"
There's a tribe of pygmies in Central Africa called The Fukawi who are only 3'6" tall. They live in fields where the grass is 4'6" high. They run around all day shouting, "We're The Fukawi."
A doctor looks at recently deceased patient and asks, “What were his final words?” The nurse replies, “None, Doctor his wife was with him to the very end.”
Mick says to Paddy, "I found this pen, is it yours?" Paddy replies, "Don't know, give it here." He then tries it and says, "yes it is." Mick asks, "How do you know?" Paddy replies, "That's my handwriting."
