The missus was in court putting on a good tearful show , going through the change, sudden urge for a taste of peach, and thats why she stole a can of peaches. Judge asks how many pieces in the can - 6 she says- judge says I must send you down for 6 months, one month for each piece. What about the tin of peas she took as well ? I said hopefully
Here's an old one . . . . The Taxman decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the Tax Office, and he was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his Accountant. The Taxman said, ‘Well, Sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure that the tax office finds that believable.’ ‘I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it’ says Grandpa. ‘How about I give you a demonstration ?’ The Taxman thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay, Go ahead.’ Grandpa says ‘I’ll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.’ The Taxman thinks for a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’ Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Taxman’s jaw drops ! Grandpa says ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the Taxman can tell that Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his false teeth and bites his good eye. The stunned Taxman now realises that he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s Accountant as a witness and starts to get nervous. ‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ? ‘I’ll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on this side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’ The Taxman, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides that there’s no way that this old man could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much pees all over the Taxman’s desk. The Taxman leaps to his feet with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win, but Grandpa’s accountant moans loudly and puts his head in his hands. ‘Are you okay ?’ the Taxman asks. ‘Not really’ says the Accountant. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me that he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it !’
I once asked a farmer how many sheep he had. He said that he didn't know, because every time he started counting them . . . .
