I had been at the pub till midnight. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I got undressed, switched off the lights and started to sneak up. "What the f*ck are you doing?" asked the bus driver.
This morning I saw my neighbour talking to her cat, and it was obvious that the poor women thought that the cat understood her. When I got home I told my dog, and we laughed about it.
Three women die in a car accident and go to Heaven. Saint Peter meets them at the Gates and welcomes them saying "you can do as you please in Heaven, just don't step on any ducks." The women are puzzled but proceed into Heaven. Looking around, they notice there are ducks everywhere. In a matter of minutes, one of the women steps on a duck. Saint Peter walks up to the woman with a hideously ugly man. Saint Peter shackles the man and the woman together and says, "for stepping on a duck, you have to spend eternity chained to this ugly man." The other two women are shocked but go about their business until, sure enough, another woman steps on a duck. Immediately Saint Peter comes and shackles her to another ugly man. The last woman tries desperately to not step on a duck. After a few months of not stepping on any ducks, Saint Peter walks up to the woman accompanied by a stunningly handsome man. He shackles the woman to the man and after a while, the woman being thrilled to be chained to such a handsome man, says "I don't know what I did to deserve this." The man replies, "I don't know what you did lady, but I stepped on a duck."
The oldens are (sometimes) the best . . . . It's a little known fact that the Last of the Mohicans reinvented himself as a Scotsman. He became known as 'Hawkeye the New'
I said to the missus, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son." She said, "It's natural." "Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."
