New year's resolution - give up smoking and w*nking. It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 20-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A PCSO on the beat sees him and approaches, Can I help you Sir? Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr the man replies. The PCSO asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it? It wasss on the end of thisshh key, the man replies. About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's c*ck hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man, Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself? Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out. O.M.G. My girlfriend's gone as well....
Nagging Wife. A man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, “Ship her home.” Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?” To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead….I can't take THAT RISK!
