Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I quit my job at a cat shelter 'cos they wanted to reduce meeowers

 

Just seen judd trump play the best snooker shot I’ve ever seen

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the
far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat
out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat and nearly
drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother .
Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the
lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said, "Because yer
father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December,
when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"

 

I saw a golf buggy parked in a disabled parking space at TESCO today, I couldn’t help wondering what their handicap was….

 

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A train conductor is driving a train with 50 passengers on railroad tracks. He misses the last stop and crashes the train, killing everyone on the train but him. He gets sentenced to death by the electric chair, but gets offered a last meal first. He accepts, choosing just 1 banana. After eating his banana, he goes into the execution room and sits on the chair. He gets given the shock, but nothing happens. They give him the shock again, and again nothing happens.

They let him go and he gets his train conductor license again. He has 60 passengers, and the same occurence as last time happens, and he gets the same sentence. Upon being asked what he'd like for his last meal, he chooses 2 bananas. He eats them then enters the room and sits on the chair. He gets given the lethal shock, but nothing happens. They try a few more times with the same result.

They decide to let him go and he gets his train conductor license back. He has 69 passengers on board when he crashes and everyone but him dies. He gets given the same sentence but when he asks for 3 bananas as his last meal, they say "No, I think the bananas have been making you invulnerable to the chair" so he sits down on an empty stomach and when he survives multiple shocks again, they ask "How are you surviving? We didn't let you have any bananas!" and he replies "It's not the bananas. I'm just a bad conductor."

 

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Even celebrities are suffering with the cost of living crisis . . . . a recent interview with Mark Knopfler suggests that he's in dire straits !

That reminds me of this old joke "I really shouldn't have called my dog 'Shark' and taken him to the beach"

 

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I picked up a Dalek hitch hiking near the M5 and asked "Where are you going, mate ?" and the Dalek replied "Exeter,mate . . . . Exeter,mate"