"Can I ask you something personal?" asked my mate down the pub. "How long does it normally take you to masturbate?" "That depends," I said. "If I just want a quick orgasm about 45 seconds, but if I want to draw it out it can be up to an hour." "Well, could you make this a quick one?" he said. "Only it's your round."
My wife asked what would I do if I could go back in time. "I would go back to the night I met you." "Awe, just so we could have it all over again?" "No, I would stay in." I replied.
My wife asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said: "Back in 08." It sounds much better than 'August'.
Whenever I’m brought to orgasm by the touch of a woman's hand, they always say the same thing afterwards. "Get out and find a new chiropodist!"
Me and the wife were arguing about holidays last night. I want to go to Ibiza and she wants to come with me
I was shagging this girl the other day when I noticed this bloke was staring at us through the window. I said "Oi! what you looking at you perv, there's a name for people like you. Can we not get any privacy?" "Yeah you can" he replies "It would help if you weren't shagging in my front garden though".
