Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

I grew up on a rough estate where you could take a hit at anytime . . . . sponge cake, custard pie, eclair . . . . it was tough in the gateaux.

 

Being a police dog handler isn't always fun

 

True story.
One summer, during my carefree uni existence, I was working on the bins for our local council. Sometimes I drove a flat bed truck doing bulk item collections, sometimes (the worst) I got to push a hand cart around the streets, but mostly I was used as a holiday/sickness replacement.

One day I ended up onthe round covering my mam's house. It was a bloody hot day so I had my compulsory orange boiler suit unbuttoned with the arms fastened in a big knot around my waist.

I stopped to chat at the gate of my mam's neighbour, who was our postie. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I see the head of his evil german shepherd appearing through the gate. My self-preservation reflexes kick in and I jump a step back and slto the side at nearly the speed of light.

When I land and look down, this evil mutt had his teeth clamped on the knotted arms of the boiler suit!

If I hadn't have moved he would have chomped down on my right forearm. I might have got a tidy payout from it, but it would have completely ruined my sex life for the summer!

 

"Can you read that car's number plate from here?" asked my instructor today.
"Yes!" I replied, "Now can you please open the fkn parachute!"

 

Me and the missus broke up recently and decided to split the house,
i got the outside..

 

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There's not a drop of rain so far today and the washing is nearly dry, but it's going to be pissing down soon.

My wife's going to be gutted that she wasn't here to take it in.

 

"Hello?"
"Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Johnnyl."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Johnny."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Johnny?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"
No it's not,you must have the wrong number."

 

Think I'm watching the wrong version of Stargate?

 

We may have had this one before, but . . . .