Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

The way to start an argument is to hesitate for more than a split second to any question ...

... 'does this suit me, etc'.

 

The Missus has asked for something silky for her birthday.

please log in to view this image

No doubt this tin of emulsion will be the wrong blinking colour !

 

please log in to view this image

 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

 

The local fish processing factory is about to close . . . . the whiting has been on the wall for some time.

That was cod awful, wasn't it !

 

please log in to view this image

 

I was in the fish shop the other day, the lad in front of me had a fish under his arm, and he asked the lad behind the counter "Have you any fishcakes ?" The lad said that he didn't have any, so the lad, pointing to the fish under his arm, said, "Oh, that's a shame . . . . it's his birthday today."

 

Why do people have rubber bands in swimming pools ?

Because a metal one would rust, silly

 

My budgie escaped from his cage this morning and shagged the dog.

If anyone's interested I have some puppies going cheep.

 

A woman came running to me and said, "I've just seen two fairies at the bottom of the garden."

Humouring her, I said "Really . . . . what were they doing ?"

She said, "Playing with each other's cocks."

 

Different era same result. It just shows how good that Harry Enfield sketch was

 

What do you call a man who likes a biscuit with his coffee ...

... Dunc

 

How does a steam train hear?.....through it's engineers