What’s the difference between a chickpea a red kidney bean I’ve never had a red kidney bean in my face before
Went for an operation in hospital I asked if I could do my own anaesthetic They said Sure knock yourself out
Every once in a while you hear a cute story that warms your heart and you just can't wait to pass it along... A Salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It is opened by a little ten-year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?" Little boy: "What the hell do you think?"
The wife said she wants a Philips 42 inch for Christmas. Where the f*ck am I going to get a screwdriver that big?
You know you"re Taliban if... You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can"t afford shoes. You have more wives than teeth. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean." You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN"T declared Jihad against. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.
My wife has started visiting a new hairdressers run by a Geordie girl. Today my wife asked for a "perm". The Geordie girl started, "I wandered lonely as a cloud..."
Me to Doctor: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident... Doctor: Did you fall off your board... Me: No, I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in...
