Someone offered me a £70,000 a year job working for the Brittle Bone Society . . . . I snapped his hand off.
I was sat in the pub the other day when in walks a lad dressed all in black and holding a whistle. I said '****ing hell . . . . it's going to kick off in a minute'
A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell.The Doctor performs some tests and says, "I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we"re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes.""Will that cure me?" asks the man."No," says the Doctor, "it"s the only food we can pass under the f*cking door!"
I burst into my teenage sons room whilst he was having sex with his pretty new girlfriend. It was so embarrassing, I wont be hiding in that flimsy wardrobe again.
Vincent Price was taller than Katie Price and heavier than Alan Price. I found this out on a price comparison website
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
A high-powered New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector stopped in to see his client, and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.” The art collector replied, “Oof, you won’t believe the day I’ve had so far; let’s hear the good news first.” The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million..!!” He added, “I think she could be right.” Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman..!!!” Saul breathed in deeply, and continued, “You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?” , “ .”the photos are you and your bit on the side
