Berk alert . . . . Forgive the Americanistic ****e in it 'cos that's where it's from My husband and I went through the McDonald's drive-through and I gave the cashier a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's. We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since. I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here and I don't think that this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' My daughter went to a Mexican fast food place and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.' The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?' She is a government employee. When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told that the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I said to the technician, 'its open' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' STAY ALERT! They walk alongside us, they breed, and they vote.
I did once meet a Jacqueline Hyde . Didn’t think about name at first , but disbelieved it when she followed it with her address as Frog Lane . Turned out both were true
This morning I coughed up a pawn, a knight and a bishop. I might have a chess infection. Is that what I get for sitting in draughts ?
A man rings his local doctor when he feels unwell in the morning. “Hello, what’s your name ?” “Ivan Astichestikov” “Thank you for telling me why you’ve phoned, sir, but I need your name first please”
A rabbit walks into a bar and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie. The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure that I will like it?' The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know that you'll love it.' 'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves . . . . NEVER TO RETURN ! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks all night, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?' To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous and full.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember that on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, so you had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.' The barman said, 'You never came back . . . . what happened?' 'I died', said the rabbit. 'No !' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said 'Mixin-me-toasties'
THIS IS A KEEPER! It happened at a New York Airport. This is hilarious. I wish I had the guts of this girl. An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14". With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too." Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain.
