Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Ah was it the hold my dog one?

 

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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing'
What do they say?' the priest asked.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment.....
You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in,
She saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying..
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered! ..

 

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything, and hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says “What's the food like here?" The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees.

 

A big lion strode arrogantly through the jungle bullying everyone he met.
‘Who’s the King of the Jungle Monkey? he sneered. “You are Lion” said the Monkey respectfully, tugging his forelock..
“Who’s the King of the Jungle Water Buffalo?” Again came the subservient answer, “You are your majesty”…with a low bow.. This went on all day, Baboons, Antelopes, Cheetah etc. are all made to kiss ass by the Lion. Finally he came to an Elephant drinking at the waterhole.
“Who’s the King of the Jungle Elephant? he demands.. The Elephant looks up, grabs the Lion round the neck with his trunk, holds him on the ground and stamps on him. He then grabs the Lion by his tail, swings him around its head several times and bangs him against a tree before throwing him into the bushes..
The lion climbs out of the bushes and limps off, muttering, “Theres no need to be like that… Just because you didn’t know the bloody answer.”

 

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little John waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little John how he knows this.
"Well," Little John says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"

 

I’ve been accused of making love to a woman when she was asleep.

In my defence, she was awake when I started.

 

I went shopping for underpants and the chap said that they sold X fronts, Y fronts and R fronts.
I asked what R fronts were, and he said "try a pair."

So I put them on and I went
"Aaaaaarrrrrrhhh"

 

Obviously

 

I made a wise financial decision for the future and bought one of those pre-arranged funerals.
" I didn't think it was even possible for you to come up with a less romantic Valetine's gift !" sobbed my wife.

 

God how I hated school in the 70s
"Sir, I've forgotten my bag"
"You'll have to do the lesson in your underwear then, boy!"
Worst History teacher ever!

 

My dad asked for a tartan shirt for his birthday.
So far I've only managed to get him the prostitute.

 

I've just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book!
Not only is it embarrassing, but it cost me a fortune in stamps.

 

On this day. Singer Sam Smith toured America

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for the first time.