Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Johnny came home from school and said
Dad I got in trouble at school today for swearing
The teacher asked me why I was late
I told him l was walking my dog and a car hit him up the ass
Johnny he said don’t you swear you should say rectum
I said rectum he ****ing nearly killed him

 

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My Chinese mate said that he’s just opened a Crows shop.

I said "you mean a clothes shop" and he said "no, come in and have a rook."

 

The name's Bond . . . . James Bond, and you are

 

In a city park stood two naked statues, one female and the other male.
These two statues had faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said,.. “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people,.. I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life,.. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.”
And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and disappeared behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,.. “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”
Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll **** on its head”..

 

Breaking News.

The Chelsea board are having a medical at Stamford Bridge after failing to sign a player in the last 24 hours!

 

Even though we've been married 34 years, I still look at my wife the same as I did on my wedding day.
With regret.

 

My wife just came in from shopping..
"I've just been to Ann Summers as a treat for you." She said.
"I've bought myself something to wear that's nice and small."
"Oh." I replied.
"So not knickers, then?"

 

Great that.
And who would want to look at a bloke when you could look at her!