An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel Special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 18 inches long. When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 18 inches. Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the Africa string and weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?" Husband replies, "Well, it looks like we are half way there." Wife says, "Wow, you mean it's grown to 9 inches?" After a pause, her husband replies, "No, it's turned black..."
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex . . . . The 1st kind of sex is called Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you have sex until you are blue in the face. The 2nd kind is called Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy that you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen. The 3rd kind is called Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. You still have sex, occasionally, and if you do, you only have it in your bedroom. The 4th kind is called Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long, and when you pass each other in the hallway you both say, '**** you.' The 5th kind is called Religious Sex, which means that you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night (very common). The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you can't stand each other any more, he/she takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone. Last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Pension Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.
After going to the trouble of buying dinner for two, wine, flowers and chocolate, I would have thought that getting a blowjob would be least I could expect. Apparently not, and the checkout girl even called the manager!
Any time my wife is ready and I'm still watching the match, I rub a balloon over her hair. Always gives me an extra fifteen minutes.
