Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

My wife really needs to lose some weight.
I said to her earlier, "You've got something on your chin."
"Oh god," she said, "Whereabouts?"
"The fourth one down," I replied.

 

Unwanted Xmas gift
Willing to swap for a holiday to Florida

 

Little Johnny is at the table for dinner
When he asks
Dad how many types of boob’s are there
We son he replies
There are three stages of boob’s
In her 20’s they are like melons round and firm
In her 30-40’s
They are like pears still nice but hanging a bit
In her 50’s they are like onions
Onions Johnny asked
Yes you see them and they make you cry

 

An old woman is fed up with life and decides to kill herself
She is going to shoot her self through the heart
She thinks I better get this right
So she phones the doctor and asks where exactly is the heart
He tells her
It is two inches below the left nipple
She takes careful aim and shoots her self in the left knee

 

By the way, here in my area, it's always the same mess at New Year:
Exploded fireworks, empty bottles and broken glass everywhere you look. Puke stains every few metres, the smell of urine in every corner and lots of drunks who can't find their way home.
And now imagine what it looks like outside

 

Krankie goes to Hollywood.

 

I worked in Tesco for a while and really didn't get on with one of the other lads.

We had a fight and I killed him after he smashed me over the head with a ticketing machine ...

... I left in a hurry with a price on my head.

 

A woman walked into a chemist
She asked do you sell extra large condoms
Yes they are in isle 3
After a while he notices she is still in the store
Excuse me are you still after xl condoms
No she replied
I’m just waiting to see who buys them

 

How long before you worked it out

 

The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54


The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57


The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41


One of the best footballers in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60


Then . . . .


KFC inventor died at 94


Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88


Cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102


The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake


Hennessy cognac, Irish inventor died at 98


How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life ?


The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only 2 years. The turtle that doesn't exercise at all, and lives for about 400 years.


So have a drink, have a nap . . . . and IF you wake up, have bacon & eggs !

 

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I'm giving immortality a go . . . . so far, so good

 

Be careful out there !

please log in to view this image

 

please log in to view this image

 

I don't get why students are being asked to study maths until they're 18. I stopped studying at 16 and don't see what difference an extra 3 years would make

 

What does it mean to come home to love, tenderness, compassion, understanding and great sex??
It means you're in the wrong house...

 

I like w*nking whilst looking in the mirror... my driving instructor doesn't.