One day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route. No problem for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well. At the next stop, however,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn't have to pay! The driver was five feet three,thin, and basically meek. Naturally,he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that.. This went on and the driver started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building course, karate, judo and all that stuff. By the end of the summer,he had become quite strong and the big thing is that he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn't pay!” The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face Big John replied, “ Big John has a bus pass."
Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? **** me ... is it midnight already?'
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door..."
They decided it was time to take their Mum to the nursing home, and the woman has a problem with one rule in particular. One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again, she seems alright – but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. “So, Ma’, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?” they ask. “It’s pretty nice,” she replies. “Except they won’t let you fart.”
Just read this and it made me laugh out loud "Heckler gets life ban from Royal Opera House for shouting ‘rubbish’ at child actor." https://amp.theguardian.com/music/2...era-house-for-shouting-rubbish-at-child-actor
