Off Topic Just for Mr RAWhite

Horrible creatures, out to destroy us . . . .

 

most still dont

 

I’ve booked a table at one of those new Elvis Presley-themed steakhouses.
They’re for people who love meat tender.
PS. Coats on.

 

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "She won't get in, she's under-age."

 

My arm hurt after I had a w*nk today.
The girl in the next cinema seat punched me.

 

A married couple were getting ready for work when he looked at her and said, "I gotta have you! Now!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties, and had his way.
He was glad that he did, because she screamed and wiggled more than he'd ever noticed before.
As he dressed, he noticed that his wife was still writhing against the door.
He said, "Honey, that was the best!
You have never moved like that before. I didn't hurt you, did I?"
She replied, "No. I'll be okay as soon as I get this doorknob out of my arse!"

 

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg gets invited to a halloween party, but he doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note . . . . "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirates outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks that this is terrible because they have just highlighted his wooden leg, so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks habit . . . . the long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part."
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from highlighting his wooden leg to highlighting his bald head, and he writes the company a scathing letter of complaint.
A couple days later he receives a small parcel and a note which reads,
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar of raspberry caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple"

 

Thanks to all the people who said it was OK to let your pets sleep on your bed. My goldfish Bob is now dead

 

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into my garden. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.


He calmly came over to me; I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my garden, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.


Curious I pinned a note to his collar: “I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”


The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:


“He lives in a home with a non-stop chatting wife, six children, two under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
Can I come with him tomorrow?”