Jokes

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Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy in the wedding suite, the woman says, “Please be gentle, I’m a virgin.”
, “But how can that be? You’ve been married three times before.”
“I know,” she says. “My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it.
And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was… oh God, do I miss him…”
 
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A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He'll be so pissed if it's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg - and a can of cat food.
With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.
To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day?" Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, "You killed him "We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!
"How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him.
He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his arse."
 
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My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."
 
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