Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
- Start date
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I signed up to X just to tell that **** he's a ****, **** him, the ****.
If you want to know what it's like to be married, try making an audio tape of Loose Women.
Then play it back at full volume and slightly faster whilst you try to watch the football.
Then play it back at full volume and slightly faster whilst you try to watch the football.
Horse is in the pub having a few when spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says" I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach", then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything", so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus”.
My last girlfriend was so self-absorbed.
Didn't even mention me in her suicide note.
Didn't even mention me in her suicide note.
So I have two box seats for this year's Super Bowl in New Orleans, between the Saints and the Chiefs kicking off at 6:30ET, next Sunday 9th February. I bought the tickets almost a year ago, not realizing it was on the same weekend as my marriage.
The tickets cost $2,500 each.
So if anyone is interested in helping me out - the service is at St Martins Church, 145 Lower Pine Street, Kansas City at 11:30amET on Saturday 8th February
Bride answers to the name of Tiffany.
The tickets cost $2,500 each.
So if anyone is interested in helping me out - the service is at St Martins Church, 145 Lower Pine Street, Kansas City at 11:30amET on Saturday 8th February
Bride answers to the name of Tiffany.
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I went into a antique shop to have a look round, I found a vase and went to pay for it I said to the young female assistant, "How much do you take off for cash?"
She said, "everything except my ear rings".
She said, "everything except my ear rings".
An old woman gets into a lift and is joined by an elegantly dressed one, she turns to the old woman and says 'that excuisite smell is my £150 per 25ml exclusive Chanel chic de pom parfum'
at the next floor another well dressed woman gets in, she also turns to the old woman and says 'do you like my £200 small atomiser givenchay Paris exclusive'
at the next floor the old woman has reached her destination she turns to both women and says ' smell this it's my Brussels sprouts one off' and let's out a ripping fart upon leaving
at the next floor another well dressed woman gets in, she also turns to the old woman and says 'do you like my £200 small atomiser givenchay Paris exclusive'
at the next floor the old woman has reached her destination she turns to both women and says ' smell this it's my Brussels sprouts one off' and let's out a ripping fart upon leaving
Yesterday, a 45-year-old man was going to bed heard thieves in his garage.
He called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment.
The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer:
- it’s about these thieves in my garage.
Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them.
After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught.
Police officers had a chat with the gentleman
Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “
Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..
He called the police. Unfortunately, the officer on the phone told him they don't have any police officers free at the moment.
The guy hung up and then called again in a moment and tells the officer:
- it’s about these thieves in my garage.
Don't bother coming anymore Ive shot them.
After literally 2 minutes, 4 police cars, Armed response, counter terrorists, ambulances,..... Thieves were obviously caught.
Police officers had a chat with the gentleman
Officer says - “ You said you shot them! “
Gentlemen - “ And you said you don't have a free police car “ ..
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