Jokes

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A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds".
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of "STREWTH" and "BLOODY HELL!" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about
how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers: "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
 
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At a Chinese restaurant near me we ordered a chicken platter,when the dish arrived it was placed on the table in a big silver dish....the lid on the dish rose slightly and an eye was looking right at me I called the waiter over and said there is something under that lid looking right at me..he said very sorry sir this should have gone to another table it is the peeking duck
 
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A blond went up to a police officer on the street and said, “Officer, I locked my keys in my car over there! Can you help me?"

The officer said, “How good is your vision?"

The blond said, “I have 20/20 vision. But what's that got to do with unlocking my car?"

The officer said, “Well, I can see from here that you're driving a convertible with the top down"
 
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A maid went to a housewife and wanted a higher salary.

Why?! ; the housewife asked

I have three good reasons – replied the maid.

First, I'm better at ironing shirts than you!

– Who says that?!

– Your husband!! Second, I'm a much better cook than you!

– And who says that?!?

–Your husband! And third, I am better in bed, having sex!

–Oh really? And it's my husband who has said that too!?

–No ma'am, that's what the gardener said...!

–Oh, well, how much of a salary increase did you envisage…?
 
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Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown.

She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

"Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?"

The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.

"I'll take this one," she says proudly. "It's the cutest!"

"Hey lady," says the shepherd, "if I guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"
 
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