Jokes

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A guy has a pet duck and they are inseparable.
Walking past the local cinema one evening, duck under his arm, man notices a one off showing of his favourite movie Casablanca, is due to start in 15 minutes. He goes to the box office to buy a ticket but is refused entry with the duck. Desperate to see the film, the man hides the duck down his trousers and returns to the box office, buys a ticket and goes to the rear stalls.
During the performance, the duck becomes restless. So as not the cause a fuss, the man opens his zip fly and the duck pops his head out for fresh air.
A courting couple are sitting next to the man, and the girl nudges her boyfriend , and whispers, "Fred. The man next to me has got his 'thing' out"
Boyfriend, " Don't fuss. You've seen one before"
Girl, "I know, but this one is eating my popcorn"
 
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A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his Penis erect.

After a complete exam the Doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly and immediately his penis sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, then returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied:

"I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another Roll up my Arse."
 
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My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
 
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Makemstine Roger said:
As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently, I’m still lost…
Click to expand...
<laugh><laugh><laugh><laugh>
 
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A woman rings hubby and tells him that she's been promoted at work . . . . she is now the manager's personal assistant and will have to work late some nights, starting tonight.
At breakfast the next morning hubby notices her new watch.
When asked about it the wife says that she won it in the weekly office raffle.
A week later she rings him to say that she has to attend a late meeting with the boss.
Next morning hubby notices her new Gucci purse and asks how can they afford it. "It's okay" she says. "I won it in the weekly office raffle."
One evening the following week they arrive home at the same time and she tells him that she has to go out again to attend a special client meeting and can he run her a bath while she shaves her legs.
When she goes to the bathroom she is shocked to see half an inch of water in the bath and asks hubby "What's the meaning of this?"
Husband says "I didn't think that you'd want to get your raffle ticket wet."
 
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Claude is 81, and Maude is 79. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. Whilst basking in the glow of the magic moments that they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts . . . . Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known that she was still a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known that he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off.'
 
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Makemstine Roger said:
Claude is 81, and Maude is 79. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. Whilst basking in the glow of the magic moments that they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts . . . . Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known that she was still a virgin, I'd have been more gentle.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known that he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off.'
Click to expand...
<laugh><laugh><laugh> You're a bad, bad man, Makemstein.
 
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