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Jokes
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2020VisionofLeeds
Well-Known Member
apart from having osteoarthritis have now been diagnosed with brittle bone disease......still musn't crumble
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Little Johnny asked for a bike for his Birthday. His dad said: "We'd get you one but our mortgage is £80,000 and your mum has lost her job."
Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!"
Next day little Johnny walked out with his suitcase packed, his dad asks: "Where you going son?"
Little Johnny replied: "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out, then I heard mum tell you to wait coz she was coming too, I'm not staying here on me own with an £80,000 mortgage and no fu*king bike!"
A mate said who do you reckon was the first pin up boy....I replied probably James Dean or Elvis, he said nah surely it was jesus
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Mary answers a knock on her door.
John, her husband's boss down at the brewery, was standing there and he said,
" Hi Mary, unfortunately your husband, Greg, had an accident at work today and passed away."
She starts crying and asks what happened.
"He fell into a full vat of beer and drowned " he replied.
"Oh, no. I hope he didn't suffer a lot." She sobbed.
"I don't think he suffered too much, he got out three times to go to the toilet!"
John, her husband's boss down at the brewery, was standing there and he said,
" Hi Mary, unfortunately your husband, Greg, had an accident at work today and passed away."
She starts crying and asks what happened.
"He fell into a full vat of beer and drowned " he replied.
"Oh, no. I hope he didn't suffer a lot." She sobbed.
"I don't think he suffered too much, he got out three times to go to the toilet!"
It's not a s mall one either. No wonder she looks cross eyed.
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shamina begum is back in the news and despite the overrun,squalid and stinking conditions she still wants to come back to bethnal green