Jokes

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a bloke and his wife where playing golf and just as he was lining up a putt he paused and said, "you know the moment i met you i knew we were made for each other,we both like the finer things in life,non of us wanted kids,we both love golf.....but i have a confession to make.
the stag do i went on last year i had sex with one of the prostitutes"...." i knew you might do she replied that's what men get up to when they are away, but whilst you are confessing i may as well come clean and tell you i used to be a man"......"you ****ing what" he replied..."yes i had gender reassignment surgery before i met you"
"you ****" he screamed "five years,five ****ing years you've been playing off the women's tees
 
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Aski said:
Whilst not a joke, this reminded me that when I was about 6, me and my dad would regularly watch a show about origami. The joy of having only 2 1/2 tv channels in early 70's Britain :)
Click to expand...


Origami
  • TV Series
  • 1968–1972



  • A 10 minute long, afternoon show in which magician and illusionist Robert Harbin makes a design from folding paper.





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Makemstine Roger said:
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A bloke and his wife where playing golf and just as he was lining up a putt he paused and said, "you know . . . . the moment that I met you I knew that we were made for each other. We both like the finer things in life, neither of us wanted kids, and we both love golf.
I have a confession to make, though . . . . the stag do that I went on last year I had sex with one of the prostitutes"
"I knew that you might do" she replied . . . . that's what men get up to when they are away. Whilst you are confessing, though, I may as well come clean and tell you that I used to be a man"
"You ****ing what" he replied
"Yes . . . . I had gender reassignment surgery before I met you"
"You ****" he screamed "five years . . . . five ****ing years you've been playing off the women's tees" :steam:
Click to expand...


I have a sense of deja vu with this joke ;)
 
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I have a sense of look more before you leap mate, what a mistka to makea capt Birelli ALLO ALLO
 
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Two beggars in Manchester, Ali and Habib

They beg in different areas of Manchester ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Habib asks Ali :-
'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'

Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads
'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Ali says No wonder you only get £2- £3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Ali shows Habib his sign....

It reads,

'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan'.


Ps.. If you laugh at this joke then you are racist
 
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I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt. After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty b*stard, that stinks!"
It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
 
think i had one over the eight last night because when i got home i decided to fix a dart board to the ceiling for some bizarre reason......spent the night throwing up
 
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The Pope was in England and got into his limousine and said to the chauffeur 'I am always being driven around and I'm getting fed up with it. I am a good driver so please could you let me drive ?'
The chauffeur agreed and the Pope drove. A Police car pulled the limo over and the policeman saw that the Pope was the driver and said 'I need to go back to my car for a second'
The policeman got on the radio 'Sarg, I have just pulled a limo over for speeding.'
Sarg replied 'Issue a ticket, then' The policeman said 'but Sarg, I think that it is somebody really Important.'
Sarg replied 'More Important than the Prime minister?'
The policeman said 'I think so, Sarg.' Sarg replied 'More important than the Queen?'
The policeman replied 'It's quite possible Sarg.' 'So who is it then?' asked Sarg.
The policeman replied 'I don't know Sarg, but the Pope is his chauffeur.'
 
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One Christmas Eve, Santa was under a lot of stress.

He and Mrs. Claus had just had a fight, it was nearly time to leave and his sleigh wasn’t loaded, and the elves were talking about going on strike.

Then an angel walked into his office and asked, “Hey, Santa, what do you want me to do with this Christmas tree?”

And so was born the tradition of there being an angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
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not long after my nan's funeral and things had settled down, i gave the missus one of her bracelets and said "nan wanted you to have this love"....well tears started to well up in her eyes but her mood changed rapidly as she opened the box containing the item.....it said "do not resuscitate"
 
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