Jokes

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At our local chippy, they still use old newspaper to wrap up their fish and chips.

Yesterday I got a plaice in the sun
 
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb
 
A Jewish girl flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.
 
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