At the bar, there was this old guy who came and drank every day, a regular fixture. One day, this kid barely old enough to drink came in. He had his hair cut into a mohawk, and it was dyed in glorious colors. It stood up immaculately. It was blue, green, yellow, purple and red, a thing of beauty. The old guy couldn't keep his eyes off of the kid. The staring got to the kid after a while. Every time he looked up, he could see the old man staring at him. The kid finally lost his temper. He walked menacingly over to the old man, and banged his fist on the old man's table. “Why are you staring at me,” he yelled. “Your hair…” “Hey man, didn't you ever do something stupid when you were a kid?” “Yeah. Once when I was very drunk, I ****ed a peacock. I thought maybe you were my son, but I see I was mistaken.”
I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the WiFi password. "Have some respect for the dead!" He said. "Ok," I replied. "Is that all lowercase without spaces?"
My mrs stormed into the pub and threw a plate of beans on toast in front of me. 'There's your f*cking dinner' she screamed, 'You spend so much time in here you may as well eat in here as well' and then stormed out. I've never been so embarrassed, I'd told the boys it was lasagne night.
