Me to Doctor: I’ve hurt my penis in a surfing accident... Doctor: Did you fall off your board... Me: No, I slammed my laptop shut when the wife walked in...
Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondled them, and kissed them passionately. A side glance at her husband he then puts his hand up her skirt rips her G-String off and fondles her wildly while her husband Mark watched with a raised eyebrows and mouth wide open. Jacqueline flushed, try’s to cover herself with the torn blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a total daze. The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?' Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.
walking through wembley on the day of a big match for the women, when i saw four tickets for the game nailed to a fence...'i thought **** me, i'll have them...you can never have enough nails
I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked like a terrorist with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden. Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly. He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it. Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?" "You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said. ”What” she said "That bastard next door has still got my shovel.".
Quasimodo went to his doctor. "How can I help you,' asked the doctor." I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo "OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong." said the doctor. Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers. ''When was the last time you took off all your clothes?" asked the doctor. "When I was at school" replied Quasimodo. "Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag" replied the doctor.
A guy with constipation is sat in the public toilets trying his best, after a few minutes he hears footsteps come rushing in, & the cubicle door next to him slams shut noisily, after a second or two he hears an almighty explosive shytting, farting noise. He says " I wish I could do that " The voice from the next cubicle says "I bet you don't I couldn't get my trousers down in time "
whenever the neighbours dog hears the door bell ring it goes and sits on the stool in the corner...it's a boxer
Strange occurrence on our high street the other day a shop selling prosthetic limbs was raided by an unarmed gang
my mate said that he tried this self identifying thing, he wanted to be a tree...he gave up and is now disembarking
