Jokes

You'll find one on the political thread getting his arse kicked by Roger

 

apparently around 85% of all immigrants who make the channel crossing are only here because they've managed to get an appointment with their own doctor

 

went to see a band called the foreskins, no original songs just cheesy covers

 

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You've got a cheek .

 

two actually mate

 

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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

 

Boris Becker has complained about the prison food........ shouldn't have been caught racketeering then

 

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A very old lady realizes that she’s seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world.
After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart.
He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.
The senior lady hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

 

• Think it"s fantastic how the Chinese can now say they've sent an astronaut into space.
• He's been officially named as Moon-Lan-Din.

 

• My wife has started visiting a new hairdressers run by a Geordie girl.
• Today my wife asked for a "perm".
• The Geordie girl started, "I wandered lonely as a cloud..."

 

next door neighbour was a bit upset, he said he just proposed to his girlfriend and did the big romantic down on one knee to her in the hospital car park....she turned him down on medical grounds

 

Sure she didn’t just disapprove of the whole BLM thing?